Greetings from the Friday guy in this Christian holiday of Good Friday. So, for some of you, your work week may already be over. In any case, I took some time to see if I had any material to share with you all and, in fact, I do. And since I’ve been under the weather this week (since Sunday night) I’ve been lazing around and now have some time to edit this message.
A week ago all the snow was gone from our yard. It’s been a very mild winter and I haven’t even had to snow blow my driveway many times (although my neighbor Barry has done that a few times when we were away). We have great neighbors! So, of course, last weekend good ole Mother Nature (she does have a sense of humor) dropped two feet of new snow on us. I sent a photo of all that snow to my kids (via text) and Phil sent me back my photo from a week ago where I happily announced that all the snow was gone. (He has a sense of humor, too!) For heaven’s sake, the tulips and the daffodils are trying to push up now and they got buried under 2 feet of the white stuff!
Last weekend I spent hours watching the NCAA men’s and women’s March Madness tournament games. They had them on 6 different channels and so my fingers got a lot of exercise working the remote to find a different game. It’s amazing how 4 different games can be on a commercial break at the same time! (The networks have a sense of humor too!) Did you know that back in the 1950s, the early years of TV, the different main networks (there were basically 3) had to time their respective commercial breaks to be at different times so that not everyone was flushing their toilets at the same time. Funny, but true! When I retired, I became a big fan of UCONN men’s, and especially women’s, basketball teams. The UCONN women have won 11 national titles and the men, at least 4 or more. Both of this years’ teams are in the final sixteen, although the men are defending champs and are picked to go to the final again this year. The women are about #10 in the country and will have to play really well to make it to the final four. But the South Carolina women are undefeated and will likely win it all. I think the UCONN men will take the men’s title.
Given my being under the weather this week, I decided to tackle a project that has been dormant since my retirement. That is sorting through all the photos I took between 1990 and 2009 that were in boxes in my basement since returning home. I am trying to organize them by a few categories and then only saving some of them and throwing most of them away. (I don’t even recognize many of the people in them anymore. My mom used to type little labels of who the people or places were; as well as the date and glue that info on the back of each one. Well, I wasn’t that organized.) Wish me luck!
I know, I know, let’s get on with some funny stuff.
A man goes into a bar in the airport and asks the bartender what the password is to their wi-fi.
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3
Me: There you go. So, what’s the wi-fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
* * * * * * * *
Potty Time
A little six year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says, “Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…”
Billy says, “I'm fine, Mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
Mother says, “Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, “Works for ketchup."
* * * * * * * *
That’s BULL!!!
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "Ahhhh... actually I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I.. I have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."
* * * * * * * *
“I Cannot Lie!
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The priest mumbles a quick 'Lord forgive me' and answered "No." The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear "No." Finally the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him, "So you are a Buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely forbidden to lie to me! Did YOU play poker yesterday?" The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks "How could I possibly play poker all by myself ?”
* * * * * * * * *
Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. But when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
* * * * * * * *
Dad?
One day Jesus decided to stroll down to the Pearly Gates. No sooner did he get there than St. Peter exclaimed, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here, I need to go to the bathroom bad! Watch the Gates for me, will you?”
“But what am I supposed to do if someone comes?” Jesus asked.
“Have them fill out the intake sheet,” Peter said, pointing to his lectern. “I gotta run — ‘bye!”
“But —“ Jesus said, too late; Peter was out of earshot. Jesus was studying the intake sheet when he saw an old man tentatively approaching the Gates. “Welcome to Heaven, sir!” he said.
The old man stared. “Heaven — is it true? I’m in heaven?” he whispered. When Jesus nodded, the old man dropped to his knees and said, “Oh, how wonderful! Maybe now I can finally find my son!”
Jesus helped him to his feet and said, “I’ll be happy to let you in, but first I need to get some information from you so we know where to put you. Now, while you were on earth, what did you do for a living?”
“I was a carpenter,” the old man replied.
Jesus was struck by the coincidence, but made a note on the intake sheet and moved on to the next question. “About your family — you say you have, or had, a son, and you believe he’s here already, is that correct?”
“Well, I don’t know for sure,” the old man said. “We went our separate ways a long time ago, and I heard that he died. But he was a very good son, so I know that if he died, he’ll be here.”
Moved with pity for the old man, Jesus replied, “If he is here, we’ll certainly help you find him. Can you give us a description of him?” To which the old man replied, “Oh, he’ll be easy for you to recognize: he has nail holes in his hands and feet.”
Carpenter, good man, separated from family, nail holes — Jesus stared at the old man, dropped his pen and paper, thrust out his hands, and cried, “Papa!!!”
And the old man, tears in his own eyes, thrust out his hands and cried, “Pinocchio!!!”
* * * * * * * *
And here’s another one about St. Peter and the Pearly Gates of Heaven:
A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his forever heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantastic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, then beautiful cottages, until they came to the very end of the street and Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little wooden shack that looks like its about to fall down. “Welcome Home.” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
* * * * * * * *
Need Some Good Advice?
A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “the bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “he told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
* * * * * * * *
I Wanna Divorce
A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn't very good, they got along very well. One day he rushes into a lawyer's office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions: "Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete."
"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one." "I mean what are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that??"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: POLISH REMOVER."
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Two statues, a male and female, stood in Central Park for 50 years. One day a fairy came along and granted them 24 hours to be human. POOF!! Off they dashed into the bushes!!!
There’s a lot of brush shaking and grunting and huffing!!! Six hours later the male comes out. “Phew, I’m getting tired!” The female says, “Hey, we’ve only got 18 hours, get back in here and handle business!”
So, off he goes again and there’s bushes shaking, dirt flying, huffing, puffing and screaming going on. 12 hours later, the male comes crawling out, grabbing dirt and can no longer stand! “I just can’t go anymore, you’re killing me!” The female says, “Look, be a man! We’ve only 6 hours left and we’re back on that perch forever!”
The male, looks up at the perch, looks back at the female, wipes his brow, looks up again, and back. Then he says, “Alright, but this time, I’LL hold the pigeons and YOU sh-t on them!”
* * * * * * * *
Well, I now have a question for you all: How many of the above jokes did you send me?
There is only one person who can answer that correctly, since she sent me all the material that I have used today! So, thanks to Debba you get to enjoy a little humor on this Good Friday. (The rest of you slackers better shape up soon!)
Ramadan is ongoing (about 10 days left) and Easter is this Sunday and Passover is next week.
So, for now, I’ll wish you a Happy Easter!
And a happy birthday wish to Maddy, today!
The big solar eclipse is also approaching, also in about 10 days. Excitement is building around here. Let’s hope it’s NOT a cloudy and rainy day!
Until the next time, take care!
TGI-Jeff
